HAVE A SMILE

I recently got through this jewel of a book. I have listed a number of my favorite lines here . . .







Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was going at the time? (Billy Conolly)

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink (W.C. Fields)

Honest criticism is hard to take - especially when it comes from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger (Franklin P. Jones)

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot (Sarah Jackson)

My doctor is wonderful. Once in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays (Joey Bishop)

My doctor gave me six months to live but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more (Walter Matthau)

Don't do speed. Speed turns you into your parents (Frank Zappa)

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are (Matt Lauer)

Electricity is actually made up of extremely fine particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking (Dave Barry)

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten (George Carlin)

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused (Steven Wright)

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away (Robert Orben)

If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don't come running to me (Groucho Marx)

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then its you (Rita Mae Brown)

I am a member of a magic circle - The Secret Six - which is so secret I don't know the other five (Tommy Cooper)

I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house (Lewis Grizzard)

All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff (Frank Zappa)

When she started to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed his name of the piano (Bob Hope - on fellow comedian Phyllis Diller)

Never look at the trombones, it only encourages them (Richard Strauss)

I went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn't like it when you join in (Mick Miller)

These are my principles and, if you don't like them . . . well, I've got others (Groucho Marx)

Don't do drugs because if you do drugs you'll go to prison, and drugs are really expensive in prison (John Hardwick)

And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people? They're cloning sheep. Great! Just what we need! Sheep that look more alike than they already do! Thanks a lot Scientific Community! (Dave Barry)

How wise are thy commandments, Lord. Each of them applies to somebody I know (Sam Levenson)

I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he had read of the effects of smoking that he gave up reading (Henry Strauss, Lord Conesford)

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot (Groucho Marx)

If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for skydiving (Victor O'Reilly)

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No sense being a damn fool about it (W.C. Fields)

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance (Steven Wright)

Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing, people will think we're workmen (Spike Milligan)