Anniversary ReflectionsI remember the day Jamie died.
Except . . .
I didn't know that Jamie DIED
Because I didn't know
What it was like to look or be dead
I remember you told me Jamie died, and
I remember his tubing wasn't on his trach, and
I remember that you wouldn't let me
Get in bed with Jamie that morning.
But I thought it was because Jamie was asleep,
Except . . .
He was really dead.
I remember that, but I didn't know that.
I remember all the people coming over
And going into Jamie's room, but
His music was playing, and
His nurses were there, and
He looked just the same in his bed,
So I never really knew he was dead.
I remember the day we went to church
And then to the cemetery to bury Jamie's body.
Except . . .
I didn't know that I wouldn't see him again.
I remember you put him in that little white box,
And you showed me how comfortable his body looked.
And I put a picture of us in his hand
With his cross and his Mr. Bear and his Blue-Bunny-Rabbit,
And I knew that we should Never put Jamie in a box on the floor
But it must be okay because
The nurses were helping you.
I remember the little white box in church and
I remember thinking it was time for Jamie
To knock on the box and we would open it and
He would sit up and yell, "BOO!" and we would all laugh.
I remember that you said this was
A celebration for Jamie at church,
So I knew it was just a game and that he would come out.
Except . . .
He didn't.
And the box got all buried into Heaven but under the ground,
With Jamie inside of it, because
He was dead.
I remember the day Jamie died,
And I understand now that it means Forever
And that he wasn't asleep and couldn't yell "BOO".
But I don't understand why you sent me to school that day.
If you knew that dead was Forever,
Why did you send me to school?
I should have stayed home like you,
To be with Jamie before he went
Forever into his little white box,
Because I want to remember Jamie,
Forever.
Mattie Stepanek
November 1995The Left-Over ChildA long time ago, my parents
Had a little girl named Katie.
They thought that they would only
Have this one little child,
But then mommy started growing
Another little baby inside of her.
It was a little boy named Stevie.
But little Katie died, and
Then little Stevie died, and
My parents were alone
Without any children at all.
Then, they grew another baby.
It was a little boy named Jamie.
And then in 1990, they had
Another little boy named MAttie,
And Jamie and Mattie were
Brothers together for a long time.
But then Jamie died, too,
But Mattie was still alive because
He didn't die like his brothers and sister.
Now, he's not really the only child either.
Mattie is the left-over child,
All alone with the parents of dead children.
Mattie Stepanek
February 1996About Watches
I like wearing
Lots of watches
For two reasons.
Firts,
If they are all set
A little different,
No one's ever
Too late, or
Too early, or
Right on time.
They just "are"
Second,
With all these
Watches on me,
It's like having
"All the time
In the world!"
And never having
To think about
The end of time,
Or about dying.
Mattie Stepanek
August 1997
On Being Thankful
Dear God,
I was going to thank You tonight
For a beautiful sunrise,
That was pink behind the fog down the hill,
And for a wonderful rainbow,
That I ran under pointing to
All my favorite colors,
A for such a great sunset,
That sparkled orange across the water.
I was going to thank You tonight
For all of these special gifts,
Except that none of them happened.
But do You know what?
I still love You, God,
And I have lots of other things
That I can thank You for tonight,
Even if You didn't give those
Very special gifts to me today.
It's okay, God,
Because I'll look for them all again,
When my tomorrow comes.
Amen.
Mattie Stepanek
November 1995
Matthew J.T. Stepanek was born in 1990 with a rare form of muscular dystrophy, a disease that weakens the muscles that hold together the bones of the body. His sister and two brothers died from the disease in early childhood. His mother has the adult form of the disease, diagnosed only after her children were born. Mattie's medical needs included a tracheostomy (tube into the trachea through his neck), ventilator, oxygen, Broviac (tube into top of the heart for medications and IV fluids), red blood and platelet transfusions (weekly), wheelchair, and more.
Mattie had 7 books published, mainly poetry, of which at least 3 were on the New York Times Bestsellers list. The 4 poems above were taken from his bestseller "Journey through Heartsongs", from his Heartsongs series. Mattie passed away on June 22 2004, when he was 13 years old. He was laid to rest next to his 3 siblings.
With his mother Jeni.
For his funeral, two fire trucks were parked at the gate of the cemetery with their ladders extended into an arch, with an American flag hanging at the top. A firefighter honour guard was present outside the church.
Mattie's eulogy was delivered by Jimmy Carter who said "We have known kings and queens, and we've known presidents and prime ministers, but the most extraordinary person whom I've ever known in my life is Mattie Stepanek"
Is my face like a sour apple
